I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
