Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
