The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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