Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My bed smells like the plague
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
