I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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