jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I looked at my own cervix.
it was like eating out sand paper
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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