we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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