you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
this hospital has no fireball
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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