Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
