i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
