Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
