you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
