dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
