Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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