its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
