Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
