Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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