she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
