i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
