I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
