In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
