My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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