remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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