I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
