I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
