Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
