I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
