you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
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