What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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