new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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