i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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