Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I think my moral compass just broke
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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