ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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