non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
