3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
