i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
