I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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