I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
