Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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