I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
