The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just forgot I was standing up.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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