We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
