I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sorry about my life...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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