a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
