so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
