Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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