I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
