The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
