Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
