Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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