I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You were trust falling into bushes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
