highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He kissed a someone with a penis
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
